Could Making Peace with Awkwardness Become Your Competitive Advantage?
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You enthusiastically throw up a high five that no one returns. You spill your drink at a team lunch. You think you're 10 minutes early to a meeting that started 20 minutes ago. Awkwardness happens, regularly, and to all of us. Feeling ourselves veering into this uncomfortable space can cause alarm, even panic, which always makes it worse.
We've all been there. So why does awkwardness freak us out so much? What if we could change our relationship with this feeling? "It turns out, the key to success isn't eliminating awkwardness," Henna Pryor wrote in her book "Good Awkward." She said, "It's conditioning for it instead."
Here's how to start making your peace with this complicated feeling.
Deconstructing Awkwardness
In her analysis of awkwardness, Pryor pointed to what she called the "Self-Identity Gap." She described it: "From a young age, we learn that there's a massive difference in the way we see ourselves and the way others see us. And as social beings who innately crave belonging and acceptance from our communities, we don't want to be judged, shunned, or ignored, so we learned to hide the parts of ourselves that don't match others' expectations."
Pryor referred to our internal perception of ourselves as "backstage" and the external presentation of ourselves as "frontstage." Awkwardness feels so uncomfortable, she pointed out, because we fear it offers an unplanned glimpse backstage.
But why do we consider this such a cringy crime? If you get close enough to anyone, you're sure to find that they too are a fumbler, a spiller, and a tripper at times. Having these unscripted moments comes along with being human.
Neutralizing Awkwardness
Pryor recommended reveling in awkward experiences by discussing them with friends and coworkers. This is a positive way to see the universality of these occurrences, take the painful sting out of them, and normalize them. Plus, it makes for a hilarious conversation!
Sharing our awkward experiences means inviting backstage glimpses. In this space, we are likely to learn some freeing truths: "Our beliefs and assumptions about awkwardness don't align with its reality. We believe that only the emotionally weak and insecure feel awkward," Pryor wrote. "We assume that because these uncomfortable moments feel bad -- often bringing up feelings of inadequacy, regret, frustration, and even guilt -- they always result in a categorically bad outcome. We think we'll be more confident when we stop experiencing awkwardness altogether. These beliefs and assumptions are mental blocks on our path to making this feeling a valuable asset."
When we share our awkward moments with others, we are likely to find that these experiences are widely shared; plus, these infractions are seldom as grave as we assume them to be when we replay them in our minds. People pivot from these. People recover from these. People laugh at themselves after having these experiences. It's really ok.
Moving the Needle with Authenticity
It feels more natural to be ourselves at work than to pose as the flawless professional we may believe we should be. We're better at inhabiting our own skin, scars and all, than trying to jam ourselves into an ill-fitting costume. Pryor's research pointed to the simple conclusion: "Being yourself at work will make you more successful."
How can this be? Can we risk revealing our backstage selves at the office? While it isn't advisable to completely abandon workplace mores, there is value in making peace with our own humanness, even the parts we may worry are less polished. Pryor wrote, "The Pratfall Effect states that people who are perceived as highly competent are found to be more likable when they perform an everyday blunder than those who don't."
We are at our most comfortable, and therefore our most powerful, when we're unencumbered by the fear that our pratfalls will bring us down. Even when we do have these stumbles, they are likely to endear our colleagues to us. This gives us good reason to let go of perfectionism and to challenge the fear and anxiety that awkwardness inspires.
Build Your Muscles
Pryor recommended thinking about what challenges you the most. Is it socially navigating small talk and figuring out how to get into and out of unplanned social interactions? Is it presenting in front of an audience? Is it anxiety around your name, which is so commonly mispronounced that you feel that you have to strategize around the awkwardness of others?
Identify interactions that fall outside of your comfort zone. Pryor notes that these don't have to be heavy lifts -- small, daily exercises can build comfort and experience. These are some she mentioned in her book:
- Introduce yourself and make small talk with a colleague you don't know.
- Correct it when someone mispronounces your name.
- Start ordering meals on the phone rather than online.
- Put your phone away when you're running errands, using public transportation, getting a haircut, etc. Allow yourself to be present in public without a crutch.
- Make time at the end of a meeting to review a process and decide how it could be improved.
- Ask a question at your next institution-wide meeting.
Pryor advised that when you "seek out moments of minor discomfort," these tend to "prime your brain," which builds comfort and fluency. "If you can practice in those little moments, I promise you'll be more courageous for the big moments," she wrote.
Fuel for Risk-taking
Cringing doesn't earn us anything, but reflection does. Job interviews, presentations, and meetings with deans, provosts, and presidents are all high stakes initiatives that can feel intimidating and awkward. Incorporating small daily practices builds "charisma," according to Pryor, and stands to refine our fluency in preparation for bigger challenges. Pryor wrote: "awkwardness is your secret weapon for activating the bravest version of you."
Inviting awkward moments as preparation for future risk-taking strengthens the skills it takes to make small talk when you find yourself in the elevator with the president or to pivot when a tech issue leaves you in front of a room full of people with no presentation to share.
"By admitting to ourselves and others that we're still learning and growing in certain areas, we build a modern, sustainable kind of confidence -- awkward confidence -- which not only promotes authentic communication and collaboration, but increases resilience and self-awareness," Pryor wrote.
Remember
Awkwardness is uncomfortable. Because of that, it's a sensation that we usually don't like to focus on, but why should we give it power over us? "The avoidance of awkwardness increases awkwardness," according to Pryor. Instead of trying to hide from it, consider challenging awkwardness through daily practice as part of your professional development.
Freeing ourselves from the fear of awkwardness is a relief, and it can also become a competitive advantage.
